cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
