Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize