I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
