I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
