i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Are my feet made of real feet?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
