just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im holly from the hills drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
