she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
