As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
