College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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