apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
