Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
