I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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