How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
