I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
