First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
