Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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