I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
