OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
