matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
