u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
