he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
