Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
