Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Still dying that you shit outside
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
