brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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