Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
