Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
