i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
