sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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