i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
