Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
