we have pet lesbian snakes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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