He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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