Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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