I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She bit a glass in half.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Randomize
