walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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