It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
