I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
