maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
