Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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