Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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