Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
