she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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