Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
