Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
