I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
