Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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