My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
