I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
