I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
