She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
