wrigley field is MILF paradise
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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