Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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