No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
