I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
