i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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