I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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